Shame in My Scores: Racism, Ableism, and Trauma in the Note-head

This presentation will analyze two compositions of mine. I will ask that we view these scores with two things in mind: First, these scores represent the best I could do and, more importantly, let’s view these scores as portraits for the type and amount of support I received from the US in music education and economics. I will go over how racism, ableistic non-communicated expectations, and trauma affect my compositional process and how I have begun to include them rather than exclude them in my art making. I will trace how western notation subverts my own experience as a queer Mexican sound artist and how I’ve sought to expand the score to make it inclusive of my life experiences and the challenges this makes for performers—yet another symptom of systemic racism whereby I am both encouraged and discouraged to compose simultaneously.